KEEP SMILING 116

issue #116

7752 members now receive Keep Smiling

Hi everyone ,

As you may know by now Keep Smiling is moving to another listserver. Keep Smiling's mail list keeps getting bigger and bigger. I appreciate your patience during the move.

Do you make webpages? Would you like to make a webpage for Keep Smiling ?Make the web page and submit it to othrrggrs@aol.com. If it is approved I will attach the Keep Smiling logo and host the page on the Keep Smiling site. No pages of an adult only nature will be accepted.

Do you want to re-design some of the existing Keep Smiling pages? Let's see what you can do!

Keep Smiling is a collection of the jokes, stories,graphics,links, and your homepages which are submitted by you, the readers. The content of Keep Smiling is suitable for all ages and is meant for the enjoyment everyone.

You may pass the link to this newsletter on to your friends or you may include the link in your own e-zine or newsletter.

If you have jokes or anything that you would like to submit to KEEP SMILING please send them to: othrrggrs@aol.com

Hi my name is Smiley

I just want to let you know that when you invite your friends to sign up you shoud send them this link.

Click here to subscribe to Keep Smiling!

I just KEEP SMILING all the time...... can't stop ..don't know what it is.... Must be something funny I read!

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After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's
runnin' after."

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Play

yahtzee

Going For Coffee
A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job,
she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker
quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos,
Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied,
"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.
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Bad Golfers Association
http://www.badgolf.com/

At the Vet

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
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What happens when you say
OK
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The Hot Dog

The hot dog was originally called "frankfurter" after Frankfurt,
Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called
it "dachshund sausage," because it looked like the long, thin dog.

In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York
baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who
sold them by yelling, "Get your dachshund sausages while they're
red hot."

Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so
comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were
shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling "Get your hot
dogs!" at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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You got to check out this Free Site

TheFreeSite.com: Free Software: Free Anti-Virus software
http://www.thefreesite.com/antivirus.htm
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MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS:
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
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"The New 10 Commandments"
http://belle.pcpros.net/%7Egrandma/new10.html
..

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Marriage Parole

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing
from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard
sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her
husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so
much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father
threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

em@il games
http://email.games.com/egg/index.cfm

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TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

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The female lion does 90% of the hunting...

...the male lion refuses to risk his life and instead lounges
around the den flipping through TV channels.
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Visit the official Snapshots site for more.

Having not seen each another for some time, two elderly ladies met
at the grocery store. After inquiring about each other's health, one
asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh, Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped
down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so sorry," replied her friend.
"What did you do?"
"Oh, I just opened a can of peas instead."
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WhiteBoard
http://www.etchinghill.com/whiteboard/index.shtml
.

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Paying Respects

Two men were golfing one summer day. As one is about to step up on the 18th green and attempt a putt, they notice a funeral procession drive by on the nearby road. The golfer steps back from his putt, removes his hat, and bows his head to show respect for the deceased. After the procession has passed, he replaces his cap and sinks his putt. His playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and makes a note to mention it.

Afterwards, as the golfers relax in the clubhouse with a drink while they total the day's scores, the second golfer mentions the events on the 18tgh hole. "You know, Fred, that was a very decent thing you did, showing respect like that. I was touched."

Fred simply shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, it was the least I could do...after all, I was married to her for nearly 40 years."

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Keep Smiling's Smarter Kids
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Fast Web MyCoupons.com

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Actual Employee Evaluations
The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. He's so dense,light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.