#112
#112
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I don't usually pass on news like this. I know you are busy; but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this sad, sad news.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.
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| A tourist is sitting on a barstool next to a cowboy in Tucson Az, he
starts a conversation with the cowboy.
"I studied all about you cowboys before I came out here." "That so?" says the cowboy. "Yep, that there hat you wear keeps the sun off in the summer, and the rain in the winter and keeps it from running down your neck." "That's right ." "Yeah, and that kerchif you wear around your neck is to keep the dust out of your nose and mouth, and to keep the sand from running down your back." "Right", said the cowboy "and I can tell by that buckle you're wearing that you've been in a rodeo too" "That's right," said the cowboy, hoping this hick would leave. "But WHY are you wearing those TENNIS SHOES ?" "SO THEY DON"T THINK I'M A TRUCK DRIVER!!" |
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Those Sayings ....
where do they come from?
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
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WARNING! NEWSPAPER VIRUS!
If you receive a newspaper with an article in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies",
DO NOT READ IT.
Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it will cause the printed characters on the newspaper to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a big heap in your lap. This particular virus is very nasty in that it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become unusable. As well, any computer screen viewed with infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative. The New York Times this morning confirmed the existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are now investigating it.
THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICIANS SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINGED SUNGLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.
PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICES!
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TELL ME BOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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What time is it?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
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Scared to Fly
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
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Court's Adjourned
The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" the lawyer yelled at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!"
Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented.
That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."
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Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
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Pet names
A guy was invited to some old friends'home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy. "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head.
"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
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The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
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Some facts You can't live without
More than 35,000 people feasted on 20,130 pounds of barbecued pork at the Iowa State Fairgrounds on June 21, 1988.
The biggest hamburger on record (5,520 pounds and 21 feet in diameter) was cooked at the Outagamie County Fairgrounds in Seymour, Wisconsin, on August 5, 1989.
Ice-cream cones were invented at the 1904 St. Louis World's Fair by an ice-cream vendor who ran out of dishes and sought substitutes from a nearby waffle maker.
The tallest cake topped 101 feet and was completed at the Shiawassee County Fairgrounds in Michigan on August 5, 1990.
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Watermelons
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat them. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
So, he made up the sign and posted it the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says, ``Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So, the kids run off... make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field, he notices that no watermelons are missing, but there's a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign to read what it said:
NOW THERE ARE TWO !
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ONE
| One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream. One tree can start a forest, One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship, One handclasp lifts a soul. One star can guide a ship at sea, One word can frame the goal.
One vote can change a nation, One sunbeam lights a room. One candle wipes out darkness, One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey, One word must start each prayer. One hope will raise our spirits, One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom. One heart can know what's true. One life can make the difference, you see it's up to You! |
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The Writing On The Wall
| A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall. |
Poem From an Email from Richard's Email
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