#111
#111
If you wanna laugh like I laugh
then you need to cry like I've cried.
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Learning to Spell
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, Dad, and Mom.
All of the words have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.
In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him.
"Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that the child's church education was certainly having an impact on her child.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom?
How do you spell zilla?"
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At The Zoo
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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Want to go to the drive in ?
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A certain university professor has finally perfected the art of cloning and to unveil his most prestigious work he has taken cells from his own body and created a perfect clone of himself.
He calls a press conference. All the top scientist and scientific journalist attend. He describes the extent of his work and at the proper moment he introduces his clone from behind the curtain. The crowd is astonished. He is the mirror image of the professor. He's even dressed the same. The clone comes forward to the podium and the professor allows him to speak for a few minutes. But, quickly the clone becomes abusive and starts spewing obscenities one right after the other. The professor is terribly embarrassed and tries to intervene. But, a fight breaks out between the two which quickly moves off the stand and into the crowd.
The professor starts to get the upper-hand on his clone and in one last knock out punch he sends the clone flying back against the window which breaks. The clone falls ten stories to his death.
The audience is dumbstruck. The police rush in and promptly arrest the professor. The charges: Making an obscene clone fall.
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Little Johnny
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you a new bike. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
It said "Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny"
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a BRAT!), so, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
"Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I would like a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Johnny"
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.
"Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and would love a new bicycle. Johnny"
Well, Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home and hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
"Dear Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama! If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who."
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
Audubon Institute: Aquarium of the Americas
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A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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*****NEWSFLASH!!!!*****
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Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.
The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner
and said, "You like speechee?"
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What If ?
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A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,
To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
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When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
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