#110
#110
Hello everybody !!! Take your time with this issue
of the KEEP SMILING Newsletter there is a lot of links to
some pretty neat sites. Remember to return to the newsletter
after visiting the links just hit your browser's BACK button.
The KEEP SMILING Newsletter is compiled from e-mail that is sent to othrrggrs@aol.com from the readers. We wish to encourage you to send jokes, cartoons, pictures, games, funny wavs, midi and graphics....just about anything that you enjoy! Although Keep Smiling cannot use everything that is submitted , all is appreciated.
Do you have a HomePage? If you have your own personal HomePage send it in ! If you have a banner to use with your HomePage please send the address for the banner to use in the Keep Smiling newsletter to advertise your Home Page.
AOL4.0 user's please send graphics as attachments.
.
.
.
Notice to anyone running Windows 98 - it is NOT year 2000 compliant. Call Microsoft at 1-888-219-1302 to order the upgrade on CD-ROM. [Windows 95 see below]
.
When you call, do not use the digital telephone number access. STAY on the line until the recording is done, and you'll get an operator to take your order..
Tell them you want "Windows 98 Year 2000 Update" on CD-ROM..
It IS free and there is no charge whatsoever for the CD or the shipping..
If you are using Windows 95 you must call 1-888-673-8925, option # 4 for 2000 update, which is free.
.
.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
.
.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.
.
.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky
by smoking them over an open fire.
.
.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
.
.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
A hot enchilada works almost as well,
but the cheese sticks between your toes.
.
.
You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
.
.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
.
.
Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
.
.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
.
.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
.
.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
.
.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
.
.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
.
.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
.
.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.
It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
.
.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by
running over it with your car.
.
.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not
go into the woods alone.
.
.
.
.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny walked into the house shortly before noon.
"Johnny!" his mother cried, "what are you doing home from school so early?"
"I got the right answer to the question."
Beaming with pride, his mother asked, "Which question was that?"
"Who put the thumbtack on Colleen's chair?"
.
.
Red Skelton's Pledge of Allegiance
.
.
Be Careful of what You wish for
You just might get it!
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
.
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof!
.
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
.
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
.
.
Ga$ Price$
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30 - $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)!
Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this weeks "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light.....
What if you were to buy a gallon of:
Diet Snapple 16 oz. for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
.
You get the idea..........
So next time your at the pump be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope.
.
.
Go to this site and see if your as insane as
everyone says you are. INSANE?
.
.
Win a Compaq Presario 5695 Internet PC alive
with an all-new Intel Pentium III processor.
.
.
In A Hurry??
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
.
.
.
You know?
You have been staring at this monitor too long when it starts staring back . .
.
.
.
.
Play the DirectPrizes Watch to Win sweepstakes and win $15,000.00 in CASH and Prizes. It is simple and easy to win. Just signup, and place the DirectPrizes game on your desktop. Let it run, and if your game piece pops up, click and WIN! (No purchase necessary)
.
.
.
.
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
.
.
.
.
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What 'cha got there, pal?" "A mongoose."
"What the heck for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "so is the mongoose."
.
.
Greeting Cards - Java Lake effect greeting cards.
.
.
Mountain Biking!
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and youre not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking his horn trying to pass."
.
.
.
.
A dog thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!
A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a God!
.
.
Welcome to
.
.