#108
#108
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. . . .
Estrogen Found in Beer . Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think, and refused to apologize when wrong.
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A Wildlife Rehabilitator's Informational Reso... . . The Blacksmith My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks
. . Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? . .
. . Jeff!!!!
Jeff was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"I do, too." Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
. . When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty . . . . I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
. .. . . Give them Everything A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
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How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
. . . . A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. . . THE BIBLE & THE TV GUIDE
They lie on the table side by side The Holy Bible and the T.V. guide.
One is well worn and cherished with pride. Not the Bible, but the T.V. guide.
One is used daily to help folks decide. No, not the Bible, but the T.V. guide.
As the pages are turned, what shall they see. Oh, what does it matter, turn on the T.V.
Then confusion reigns, they can't all agree On what they should watch on the old T.V.
So they open the book in which they confide. No, not the Bible, but the T.V. guide.
The Word of God is seldom read. Maybe a verse 'er they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be. Not from reading the Bible, from watching T.V.
So then back to the table side by side, Lie the Holy Bible and the T.V. guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word, The plan of Salvation is seldom heard.
But forgiveness of sin, so full and free, Is found in the Bible, not on T.V.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. . . Just a nice picture.
. . You're addicted to computers * You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
* When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.
* If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
* When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.
* If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
* If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
* If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.
* If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window . .
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. . .
TELL IT TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" . . I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. .
. . The Sermon A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. . . . .When I finally got my head together, my body fell apart. . . "I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!" .
. Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". . He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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