ISSUE # 106
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A Little Dog Angel
High up in the courts of heaven today
a little dog angel waits;
with the other angels he will not play,
but he sits alone at the gates.
"For I know my master will come" says he,
"and when he comes he will call for me."
The other angels pass him by
As they hurry toward the throne,
And he watches them with a wistful eye
as he sits at the gates alone.
"But I know if I just wait patiently
that someday my master will call for me."
And his master, down on earth below,
as he sits in his easy chair,
forgets sometimes, and whispers low
to the dog who is not there.
And the little dog angel cocks his ears
and dreams that his master's voice he hears.
And when at last his master waits
outside in the dark and cold,
for the hand of death to open the door,
that leads to those courts of gold,
he will hear a sound through the gathering dark,
a little dog angel's bark.
Author Unknown
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The Jumper
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
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MY
DOG
I love my master;
thus I perfume myself with this long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
in the sunshine happier than you ever will be.
Today I sniffed many dog behinds;
I celebrate by kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg
and whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot.
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as my hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here my chin
on your foot no greater bliss ...
well maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and deny it.
No human could love you as much I do.
The cat is not all bad.
she fills the litter box with Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there.
Because it's there. Because it's there.
I am your best friend
now, always, and especially when you are eating.
My owners' mood is romantic.
I lie near their feet.
I make stinky farts.
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"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat up our cats . . ."
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Merriam-Webster's Word Puzzles
Hospital Humor
A little old woman called the Hospital, "Hello I'd like to talk with the person who gives patient information. But I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
"Hold I will connect you." Then a very authoritative voice asks,
"You are the lady who is calling for patient information?"
She said, "Yes - I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's great news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "Close, I'll say, I'm Sarah Finkel! But my doctor doesn't tell me anything!"
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Prayer Cards
During the North African campaign, a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike and they arrived in a little town called Cascina. The next morning being Sunday, several of the boys went to Church. A sergeant commanded the boys in Church and after the Chaplain had read the prayer, the text was taken up next.
Those of the boys who had a prayer book took them out, but this one boy had only a deck of cards, and so he spread them out. The Sergeant saw the cards and said, "Soldier put away those cards." After the services was over, the soldier was taken prisoner and brought before the Provost Marshall.
The Marshall said, "Sergeant, why have you brought the man here?" "For playing cards in church, Sir." "And what have you got to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, Sir." Replied the soldier. The Marshall said, "I hope so, for if not I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished."
The soldier said, "Sir, I've been on the march for about six days, I had neither Bible nor prayer book, but I hope to satisfy you, Sir, with the purity of my intentions."
With that, the boy started his story:
You see Sir, when I look at the "ACE", it reminds me that there is but one God;
And the "DEUCE" reminds me that the Bible is divided into two parts; The Old and the New Testaments;
And when I see the "TREY", I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost;
And when I see the "FOUR", I think of the four Evangelists who preached the Gospel. There was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John;
And when I see the "FIVE", it reminds me of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps. There were ten of them, five were wise and were saved. Five were foolish and were shut out;
And when I see the "SIX", it reminds me that in six days, God made this great heaven and earth;
When I see the "SEVEN", it reminds me that on the seventh day, God rested from His great work;
And when I see the "EIGHT", I think of the eight righteous persons God saved when He destroyed this earth. There was Noah, his wife, their three sons and their wives;
And when I see the "NINE", I think of the lepers our Saviour cleansed. And nine out of the ten didn't even thank Him.
When I see the "TEN", I think of the Ten Commandments God handed down to Moses on a table of stone;
When I see the "KING", it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty;
And when I see the "QUEEN", I think of the Blessed Virgin Mary, who is Queen of Heaven;
And the "JACK" or "KNAVE" is the Devil;
When I count the number of spots on a deck of cards, I find 365, the number of days in a year;
There;s 52 cards, the number of weeks in a year;
There's 4 suits, the number of weeks in a month;
There's 12 picture cards, the number of months in a year;
There's 13 tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter;
So you see, Sir, my pack of cards serves me as a Bible, Almanac and Prayer Book.
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How many people can you count in this picture
Find the 9 people in the picture!!
If you find 6, you have an ordinary power of observation.
Find 7, you have above average power of observation.
Find 8, you are very observant. Congratulate yourself.
Find 9, you are extremely observant. Very intuitive and creative.
You can rival the observant power of Sherlock Holmes"
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