ISSUE # 104
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Hurting all Over
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "I hurt all over. You have to help me!" said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "can you be a little more specific?" The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!, that hurts, too." Then she
touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts!" she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Yes, why?" she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "you have a broken finger."
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TheWax.com: Stress Relief Aquarium 2.1
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You Know You're having a bad day when
You call your sweetheart,
tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight,
and you get home to find
a sandwich on the front porch.
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FAT FREE
I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!"
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2YK is not all bad
January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing.
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FREE GROCERIES |
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Getting Better
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek.
By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke: "Granddaddy, did God make you?"
"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered; "God made me, a long time ago."
"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"
"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."
"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He?"
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If I Died
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm
not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks,
"would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long
time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our
bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's
left-handed."
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"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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Kid's Say The Darndest Things
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still my heart," thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Ok dad .....
drop the keys to the new car in the cup for |
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Just Can't Win Them All
Though she tried to please her husband, the poor woman failed regularly. Most often it was at breakfast. If she scrambled the eggs, he wanted poached. If she poached them, he wanted them scrambled.
One morning she decided to poach one and scramble the other and waited for his approval.
Glancing at his plate, her husband snorted, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
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