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April 25, 1999
ISSUE # 103 |
| KEEP SMILING HOME PAGE | KEEP SMILING DIRECTORY | FREE NEWSLETTER |
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April 25, 1999
ISSUE # 103 |
| KEEP SMILING HOME PAGE | KEEP SMILING DIRECTORY | FREE NEWSLETTER |
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Time to Stop.
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
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Lost Luggage
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
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The Flight
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
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Welcome to Toucan Sam(TM).com!
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Sneaking In
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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Baby Names! Baby Names! Baby Names!
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I wish someone would tell me what it is
That I've done wrong. Why do I have to stay chained up and be Left alone so long? . They seemed so glad to have me when I came here as a pup. There were so many things we'd do While I was growing up. . The Master said he'd train me as a Companion and a friend. The Mistress said she'd never fear To be left alone again. . The children said they'd feed me and Brush me every day. They'd play with me and walk me If I would only stay. . But now the Master "hasn't time" The Mistress says I shed- She doesn't want me in the house Not even to be fed. . The Children never walk me. They always say, "Not now" I wish that I could please them. Won't someone tell me how? . All I had, was love to give. I wish they would explain Why they said they wanted me, And then left me on a chain. |
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Optimism/Pessimism Inventory (Test)
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A Cops Job
A Ft Lauderdale Florida motorcycle cop was on patrol one bright sunny December afternoon when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
He stopped behind the last car in line. Then he noticed the reason for the noise. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car was a big brown Cadilac with New York plates driven by a blonde. He motioned her to roll down her window, which she promptly did. He then asked her why she was stopped when the light was green. She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well, go ahead! The light is green."
The blonde responded with, "Yes, I know, but the sign under the light says: 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
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"Missing: What To Do If Your Child Disappears...
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Airhead
An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song,
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".
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Ranch Life
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman, "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
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Dog for Sale
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
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http://members.aol.com/BklynLdy2/hug2.gif
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Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around
the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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A Lonely
Dog
