ISSUE # 101
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March 28, 1999
ISSUE # 101 |
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Kitty's Korner
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English is a stupid language.
| There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. |
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DOGFIGHT
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said.
"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter."
"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."
"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"
"Ten dollars."
"You're on."
So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.
"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours."
"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . "
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Recipes for Southern Fried Chicken
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The Service has a Higher Calling nowadays
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
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| Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new? |
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click here for
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I WISH I WERE A BEAR
I wish I were a bear. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that. And another thing: before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it. I wish I were a bear.
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The MonsterBook is a printed directory like your phone book.
Any person who uses the Internet can receive a FREE copy in the mail!
Please use code 116978 when ordering the FREE Monster Book so KEEP SMILING will get the credit .
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You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
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A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more
of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says: "You know.... This is completely not fair." "What do you mean?" asked the surgeon "Well, you get paid $50,000 everytime you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year" said the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture. "That's not true, I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." said the driver. "Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can
keep the $50,000 if you do it right." said the surgeon. The driver says "Ok, your on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room. The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a
stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let mty driver answer it."
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SOFTSEEK.COM - Wild Animal Babies Theme by Ne...
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We blonds on aol are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to Steev Cass to make a new TOSS law on aol to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds of aol
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Tudoc: The Ultimate Directory Of Cooking Site...
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A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future
holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"Not exactly ... it'll be in Biology class."
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Free Screen Savers Courtesy of Blue Mountain ...
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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
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FEELS LIKE HEAVEN
This 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "what are the greens fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" This is heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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