ISSUE # 100
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March 21, 1999
ISSUE # 100 |
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Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height.
When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
Copyright1999 S. E. Chan
A child's love is like a whisper,
They often do not say it loud but in how they come to you...
...the many ways they tell you changes as they grow
Pop I need some money
Dad I've got something to tell you... I think she is the one.
Dad I've got some news for you...
A child's love is like a whisper,
They often do not say it loud but in how they come to you...
It is never ending
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Do not throw away your VCR in the year 2000.
Set it on 1972, because the days will be the same.
Pass this on; the manufacturer will not share this info.
They want you to buy a new one!!!
Let's fool them and correct it ourselves
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"The Y Zero K Problem"
While browsing through some dust-covered material in the recesses of the Roman section of the British museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "Magister Fastorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, December 31, 2 BC or 2000 years ago today. The text of the message follows:
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left us to sort it all out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Microhard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind . . .
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have also heard there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y-0-K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
Plutonius
I know everyone
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope along time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
CAMELS
| A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom" "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?" |
What is a teenager?
A teenager is.... a person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number......a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.....a youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday...someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.....a whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed....a student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.....a connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud....an enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes....a young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.....a romantic who never falls in love more than once a week....a budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off....a boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing...an original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
English is a stupid language.
| There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends. |
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